Bull Sharks

If I were to pick an emotion that could only be realized in the present it would be pain.

Falling asleep on the couch a few nights ago, letting my husband channel surf to his delight, we happened upon a program called "River Monsters".  I sat up with goosebumps. Sharks, in rivers? Unbelievable. Unlike most sharks, Bull sharks can tolerate fresh water.

Since watching this episode I have been wondering about fear. What makes me afraid? As our human instincts die out, fear still holds its powerful grip on us.

To be put in no particular order (and to only name a few), sharks, spiders, strangers, the dark and utter embarrassment are very real fears for me.   I am also afraid of unleashed dogs, raccoons, and pain.

Pain. This to me seems to be the root of my fear. I once drove a staple into my thumb with a high powered staple gun. This was quite by accident, of course. It was pretty painful. Interesting to note though, I was not afraid. The expectation, or forecast of pain is what drives my fear. To know that some experience might possibly be painful is what paralyzes me. My imagination runs wild. To be hurt. To suffer. To draw blood. While actually living with the pain I can assume the bravery of a lion.

As a fastpitch pitcher in high school, I once had ball hit back at me from 32 feet away. I missed it with my glove and it plowed into my jaw. 6 innings later (during which I summoned up the bravery of a lion and continued pitching), a neck hematoma and an inability to breathe landed me in the ICU. Later my jaw was wired shut for 30 days and I carried with me wire cutters in the case that I had to throw up.  A few months later, back on the pitchers mound I was paralyzed. My memories of the event had expanded within me and my fear had taken on epic proportions.

Living fully within the present unable to forecast my emotions of pain or unable to conjure up painful events would no doubt lessen my fear. To jump into a river with no fear of what may lie beneath. To jump into a river after having encountered a Bull Shark once prior. Unfortunately this is not possible for me. Our emotions span the timeline of our history. My story is important. My future is important. My past is important. To live only in the present, to have no fear, to be valiant would be amazing but ultimately I would have no depth. So I will continue to conquer my fears living within the present with my past and future as defining bookends.