The Finish Line

Is it the finish line or the process in which you get there that counts? Classic Tortoise and Hair saga. But really, if I'm honest, it is the finish line that counts most for me. The blue ribbon. The recognition and the rewards. I tend to hurry through the race at top speeds in order to check it off my list and begin a new race. I am a finisher. I check my goals off the list and begin a new one with no real thought on how the process of achieving this goal might have changed me or my living habits. Completing my to-do list in the time given is top priority. I can quite easily finish anything I put my mind to. Unfortunately, the only thing achieved is that, whatever it was, is finished, crossed out...And then I move on, swiftly. I do not meditate of lessons learned, rarely praise myself, never relax, do not take stock, rarely philosophize on my living habits and never do I make the same list twice. I am an organized, efficient machine. But lately I have been finding some faults with this energizer bunny mentality.

Two years ago my dentist informed me I had two cavities (my first two cavities ever) and that if I didn't start flossing my gums would need surgery soon. I made it my goal to floss every day until my next dentist appointment. Every night, while flossing I thought about habits. How is a new habit formed. Why are habits broken? Can habits be replaced with new habits? I did my duty and flossed but at the same time I changed how I brushed my teeth. Adding flossing to my regimen didn't exactly mean that I would floss until I died but changing the way I brushed would help me remember to floss when I had forgotten. Close the deal. Cross it off the list. I have flossed every day since then. But something had changed inside me. This certain activity (flossing every day) had scared me. I doubted my ability to carry it through; to cross it off my list...I had to do something drastic. I had to totally change the way I did something else in order to help me remember to floss. Brushing differently each night was harder for me than the flossing. It was a tandem relationship. I congratulated myself but still just crossed it off my list.

In crossing this off my list, my brain started to wrap itself around the faraway thoughts of habits.  How do you undo a habit? How do you start a new habit? My flossing/brushing tandem relationship stuck out at me. I began to relax into this goal with new found energy and every night, while brushing my teeth, I would mediate on habits, lists, goals and finish lines. Ultimately, months later my brain settled itself around the process of achieving. I had changed my process of brushing and linked so closely to this was my goal of flossing every night. It dawned on me that it wasn't the flossing every night that mattered (although my dentist would disagree), it was the fact that I had come up with a process for achieving my flossing goal.  The finish line really didn't matter. It was the new habits I was forming that felt so good.

I gave up Coffee in December of 2012. I did great for about 3 weeks. The problem was that this too scared me. Another goal that might not be checked off the list. I thought about my process for achieving this goal and realized that alcohol would have to be given up as well. Another tandem relationship. Who knows when I might start drinking again but at least I am striving to concretely change my relationship with alcohol by dwelling on the process of achieving this goal, laying down new tracks. During this process I have decided to be more dutiful in my thankfulness. When at my wits end, think about everything (anything) that I am thankful for. Build new coping strategies, new habits.

Lately my to-do lists are shorter and if I make one I don't necessarily cross everything out. I am working on changing my attitude towards my lists. A clean house doesn't really matter if I make it known how upset I am at having to do it all myself. However, being thankful that I have a house and that I am home every day occupying its space makes me feel happy to clean it. Rushing into a career just because one is needed doesn't help with my future satisfaction. However, taking time to let the idea of a career seep into my very being helps me toy with every option. Pulling all the weeds in my yard, makes it look nice but it doesn't help that at the same time my kids keep asking me to play with them.  Making a game though out of the yard work with my kids and only getting a small piece of it done does give me a successful motherhood feeling. The process of getting to where I want to go needs to look better, needs to be better. I have finally realized that the end is a pitiful place to be with no place to go. I have started to go backwards down my path. Unraveling my finish lines and actually breathing life into this process called living. It feels good.

The Trouble with Parenting

Ever make a decision and then have to re-visit it fifty or so times to re-assess, re-direct or re-examine? It is enough to drive me crazy. I like clear cut options with clear cut directions that if followed correctly end with satisfied feelings.

This so called parenting thing doesn't work like that though. I am dealing with a dynamic impermanence that I have never before witnessed. Little beings that, by the time they take their first breath, are changing, rapidly, in a constant flux, transforming quicker than time can count.

We want the best for them. From the beginning we strive to protect, nurture, heal, encourage, support, train and keep them alive. All of the parenting choices we make - split second, thought out, strategic, in the moment and subconscious should help end the indecision. But no matter what, each parenting choice leads to more choices, more re-examining, more wondering if we did the right thing. It is like those Chose Your Own Adventure books. So many endings. So many possibilities. So many rewinds.

I get asked quite a lot by parents for sage parenting advice, tips or just pieces of kid humor. I look blankly back at the questioner/inquirer. "Your guess is as good as mine, and probably better", I say. I honestly do not know what the answer is.

There are so many questions. How should you help them fall/stay asleep, how big should I cut the pieces of food, will they choke, which school should I chose for preschool, my kid has his/her hand down her/his pants - what now, potty accidents, vitamins, elementary school teacher problems, ailments, friend choices, tantrums, intellect, sports, independence...the list goes on forever. It never stops. To make matters worse, there is NO right answer.

Don't get me wrong, I have found the right answer to these dilemmas, but then I am forced to re-evaluate the answer again and again. As my child changes, a new answer (to the same problem)presents itself. This new answer could come moments after making the decision or it could come weeks later, but it always shows itself - teasing me, taunting me, ruining my ability to wash my hands of the problem.

This re-evaluation used to make me crazy. I wanted it to be clean. Ordered. Sequential. The trouble with parenting is that it is not clean and we are never done. Lately I have been trying to embody this uncleanliness. Live within the transformation of my kids.

We used to call my older one the "Spiller." If there was a glass full of liquid on the table he would knock it over somehow. He didn't even have to be close to it. Looking back I cant remember the last time he knocked something over. Now my not-so-little bundle of joy has taken on this name. Spills abound. I remember reading somewhere that this spilling problem comes from the fact that between the age of 3 - 5 kids cannot access correctly where their hand ends. They are growing too fast and therefore when they go to grab their juice, cannot help but spill it. Imagine this for a moment. The child does not even have time to calculate his/her growth. The growth is so fast they cannot even keep up with their own body.

Living with my children's growth means not always having an answer or being okay that a new answer might present itself within a matter of minutes or days. My decisions as a parent can never be final. I am learning to live within the transformation, no mans land.  This is the trouble with parenting - all is in flux.