Playing and engaging with neighborhood friends through the Spring twilight hours will always be my very best memory of my very best self.
I had one of those childhoods. You know the scene. Barefoot,progressive eating parties, bikes, forts and a few thrown in neighborhood pick up games.
It was one of these pick up games that I will always cherish. My Dad had sent a few too many basket balls flying and was done for the evening but said I could stay out for a few mintues later in our driveway. My neighbor friend and I had been playing all afternoon. We shot baskets together until the sun decided to sleep. I remember ice cream at the end. Most of all though I remember feeling free. It was Epic. On most Spring evenings I can still smell my way back (if only fleeting) to this freedom.
Laying in bed 10 years ago, this April, with a newborn glued to my chest I yearned for this childhood freedom. We had big bay view windows in our bedroom and I would gaze out into the backyard and watch the day turn in for the night. This was by far, my favorite time of day. The problem being now, however, I was stuck.
The clouds rolled in that night and the storm that ensued changed me to the core. Its a fact. Not "unfortunately" or "fortunately". It's just a fact. I forgot about the twilight, I did not feel free. As the clouds rolled in and the rain started to fall I fought back, if I was going to be stuck, I wanted to at least control my stuckness. Safety became the only way through the storm.
This safety ballooned into formula feeding, sleeping without blankets, carseats, non-bpa plastics, sterilizing, sanitizing, vitamins, medicine, vegetables, straps in the highchair, pennies on the floor, holding hands, helmets, more hand washing, the right shoes, sleep training, rules, banisters, not too much sugar, sleepless nights listening to coughing fits - trying anything to make it stop, baths, pools, strangers and school. I began to live in a constant state of safety. I did not, could not, would not imagine my Loyal Companion being hurt in any way.
Like I said, this storm changed me. For the past 10 years I've only wanted peace for my Loyal Companion, a good night's rest, simple and fresh nutrition, good friends, and clean hands. Safety.
The twilight however begs to be let in. I can feel the pull and, ten years later, I have started to let go (baby steps) of the safety net. Drop off parties, neighborhood pick-up soccer games, playing in the street, walking to school, skateboarding, late nights, bowls of sugary cereal for snack, dirt, occasional swearing, uncleanliness and the gift of un-altered time are slowly creeping their way into my Loyal Companion's childhood and I couldn't be happier.
It could just be Spring and I could just be feeling nostalgic for my childhood Summers, but most of me thinks this feeling is real. I needed to keep my Loyal Companion safe. It was the only control I had over this motherhood prison feeling I mostly felt. It was the only way to gain that same twilight free feeling. But alas, I have been so stuck for so very long. Motherhood rained down hard on me and at times I didn't see anyway out. Happy hour disappeared.
Thank fully my almost 10 year old Loyal Companion is helping me un-stick myself. He yearns for this twilight hour. This childhood Summer freedom that we all remember. He begs for it - and I relent. Slowly. I relent.
This evening was crazy...Early release Wednesday, soccer birthday party, home with just enough time for him to walk with a friend to the dogpark, do homework and then attend school's cultural fair, home too late but still sunny, a fast dinner and then out again to skateboard with friends. When my Loyal Companion returned home, his not so little bundle of joy sister was fast asleep, the twilight had turned to darkness and he only had a few words, "today was Epic."
Yes, today was Epic. Not just for him, but for me too.