By the end of summer it was dead and My Love cut it down. It made me sick.
The next spring this so called disease had spread and killed another one of my front yard garden trees. We never did figure it out. Both trees left a gapping hole in our front yard garden, never to be replaced.
I have heard that a tree can live forever, that if you could prevent it from being blown down or succumbing to drought or disease that it has unlimited growth potential.
I grieved for these trees, for the privacy that they had given us and for the shade they afforded us in the late summer months. But mostly I grieved for that second tree. Without its partner's disease it may have gone on growing and living for an eternity. It felt weirdly wrong to have to watch this second tree die.
People can wither up as well. Healthy, strong, abled bodies can decay emotionally and physically - riddled with afflictions, addictions, insurmountable hurdles and disease. It is a helpless feeling to watch someone decay. It is weirdly wrong though when this decay spreads into close relationships, families and friendships.
It saddens me that, more often than not, there is a "second" person who becomes the unfortunate benefactor of this decay and the otherwise healthy person may begin down a similar path of afflictions, addictions, hurdles and diseases when their only initial fault was close proximity.
Emotionally I used to be a lot like my favorite dying front yard tree. I refused to admit it and helplessly watched as I tried to destroy my relationship with My Love, yelled at my kids too often, complained for the sake of complaining and drank myself into a state of feeling numb. It's not pretty. It makes me sick to even have to write these words. But it is the truth. I was not healthy and I was riddled with afflictions.
Most importantly though, my state of being was affecting the ones I loved. When that second tree died in my front yard garden I grieved more for it than the first tree. I had no idea I loved it as much as I did. Disease and decay spread. We pull others down into our abyss and regrettably they sometimes have no choice but to die along side us.
My constant yelling and crazy stressed out impatience with my kids was fostering disrespect, sadness, insecurities and distrust within our family unit. My first born's anxieties sky rocketed and his kindness towards other plummeted. My not-so-little bundle of joy had to learn to be tough, not show emotion and keep her childish ways in check.
Both of my children have been severely hurt by my lack of compassion. I unknowingly set up lifelong hurdles and afflictions that they will now have to battle alone.
My lack of gratefulness to and for My Love, my standoffishness and at times confusing brittle attitude pulled My Love down a hideous path of sarcasm, doubt, defensiveness and anger. He began to tiptoe around my vacant spirit, learned to second guess my sporadic genuine feelings while keeping his own emotions tightly bottled.
I gave him these afflictions. His close proximity to me plagued him with handicaps that to this day he still has to battle.
I watched as my family was riddled with diseases. At the time I didn't think I had the power to change these situations so I began to numb my sadness with alcohol. I masked my self loathing with unending complaints of others. The drinks unknowingly added up until most of my thought space was taken up with thoughts of another drink. I had quite successfully riddled myself with disease and it was spreading.
Then one evening I remembered the second dead tree in my front yard garden. I remembered my surprise upon discovering that it was indeed this second dead tree that was my favorite. I remembered mourning for that second dead tree well after I had forgotten about the first dead tree. I still sometimes wonder how many more healthy years that tree could have lived. Unlimited growth potential. Unfortunate proximity.
At that moment I decided that My Love and my children did not deserve to be that second tree. I loved them more than myself. They were my favorites and I was destroying them. I would endure my battles and fight to win not for myself but for them. I stopped drinking, learned how to calm my inner stressful thoughts, stopped yelling so much, started a path back to My Love and eventually ceased complaining about anything and everything. It was the most delicate, unyielding assault on my personhood. I put it all in and battled fiercely.
I am not proud that my family had to walk with me through the dark. I have given them unfortunate scars and wounds that may never heal. I am proud though that along with myself I am helping bring them back to life - one branch at a time. We are connected through our roots and this proximity is more important to me than they will ever know.