Memorials and humanity

I am catching a plane to Minnesota this weekend to be with family and memorialize my Grandma, who passed away bluntly and unexpectedly a couple of months ago. My mom informed me today that there will be a time during her lakeside service to share thoughts about Grandma (GiGi, as my kids refer to her, for Great Grandma)  A memory, an appreciation, an endearing trait, a funny story. Keep it short, she said, I'm sure there will be many who will want to talk.

How to memorialize a life in such succinct terms? She had so many rabbit trails, pathways and journeys that I was not privy to.  What I to decide share at her service might not be correct or important.  There were so many facets to her life, to my life, to all of our lives. Our stories are long and they have so many unexpected patterns. What is the sum of it all?

So here it goes.

What I appreciate about Grandma was her absolute insecurity in herself and her place on this Earth and her ability to mask this insecurity with an amazing self confidence in all areas of her life. This has taught me that the conflict between my most deplorable weakness and my most awesome strength, that wages in me every minute and hour of my days, is the purest definition of humanity. It is within this battle that I am chiseled and ironed out in the hopes of one day reaching my final conclusion. My story may take many unexpected turns and twists but it is my story. Mine alone. Mine to write. When I finally reach my last page and close my book all I can hope is that I am happy with how I engaged in battle.

All of us are on this same path. We are all battling our own hostiles. Give grace.

I love you Grandma. Thank you for teaching me this lesson.

What will you do with your time?

I have fallen apart over my kids and I am slowing learning how to be put back together.
I am taking advantage of this time given to me to live strategically and intentionally
so that I may be authentic in all my interactions.

I didn't anticipate that my kids would slowly unravel me, crack me apart and spill my guts all over the street. But I also didn't think they had the ability to put me back together.

After my oldest stomped his way upstairs tonight, mad after two hours of lego building that he couldn't figure out the last step and mad that his mom was trying to save the day when (he reminded me) just two years ago, I had destroyed his play mobile castle when carrying it across the floor, (it slipped from my hands and crashed to the floor), I begrudgingly climbed the stairs to "have a talk." As I reached for the banister I instantly understood his angst. My childhood was thrown back in my face. It hit me pretty hard. Unraveling emotions I didn't care to think about. Why didn't I ever trust my own parents when I was little? They always seemed to know just the right way to take care of things. It made me mad.

I had a good chuckle. I cant believe he remembers when I broke that castle! Reaching the last step I figured that if he could remember the castle he for sure was going to remember how I reacted to his feelings. I walked into his room and rather calmly let him know that I had figured out the last step (I didn't break anything) and that I was hoping he would come down so I could show him. As I walked out I heard a faint, "thank you." Once at the table again I reminded him that it is not okay to yell when frustrated, that we can indeed work as a team. He agreed. I sighed a big sigh of relief. I hadn't lost my temper. But, I still was unsure about what our teamwork would look like in the future.

Time marches on. It can be a gift or it can be a slave master. Since birthing my children and up until a few months ago I have been ruled by time. I have deemed myself powerless. My emotions have been a rollercoaster of good, bad and ugly. There has been no strategic plan, no forethought, no lessons learned. Just time. Get through the day. Get through the phase. Get through the age. As I am "getting through" all of this my kids break me down, clear cut my nice scenery. Make me tired. Gut me.

As I kissed my not so little bundle of joy goodnight this evening I was instantly thrown back into time. Four years ago my oldest was her age. Only 4 years old. The transition of having a baby sister was just too much to handle. One night, while My Love was traveling, he got frustrated with one of his toys and threw a tantrum. He came into her room while I was trying to get her to sleep and kept repeating the same thing over and over again. He wouldn't leave me alone. I lost my cool. I got really angry. I put his little sister down in her crib and proceeded to yell and scream at him. We went at it. Nobody won. While replaying this nasty memory I wondered if he still remembered it too.    My heart cracked wide open.

Lately my kids are helping put me back together. I have decided that I don't want to just get through the day. I want my kids to have good memories of these years. I want my kids to be better at this parenting thing than I am. I want my kids to see me laugh and sing. I have one year left until his baby sister goes to Kindergarten. One year. What can I do with a year?

A few days ago I picked my oldest up from school. As is our habit we stayed so that he could play on the playground. His sister was sleeping in the stroller and he asked me to play tag. Why not? We played tag. I ran. He ran. We laughed. The best part though was after the tag we hung upside down on the bars together. We looked at each other upside down and laughed. "You look pretty good upside down," I said.  "I have never seen you upside down," he said. "We should do it more often," I said.

I am slowly being put back together and it feels good. I gave up coffee and alcohol in January and have started exercising regularly. I am striving to find ways to be thankful for all I have been given. I am trying to giggle more and am learning to let things go. Professionally I am trying to figure out my next steps that will put me unto a career path that makes me happy while juggling the needs of my grown up family. There is so much that can be accomplished in one year!

I have fallen apart over my kids and I am slowing learning how to be put back together. I am taking advantage of this time given to me to live strategically and intentionally so that I may be authentic in all my interactions.

Thank you to my children -- without you I never would have had to be put back together -and I am so much a better person for it!