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| Mostly we are always falling. Falling into, or out of something. |
The first day at home was spectacular. It was one of those crisp sunny Fall days and I packed up the stroller with sippy cups and snacks and WALKED! my Loyal Companion to school. Later that day my not so little Bundle of Joy and I counted out our spare coins and we ambled up to Starbucks together. I taught her how to spread her own cream cheese on her bagel and we showed up on time to wait for my Loyal Companion's last bell to ring.
I knew then that the rug was about to be ripped out from under me. It was a huge U-turn in my life that I had pretty spontaneously decided to take. I had to learn new homework routines and be available to volunteer in classrooms. I started to referee tantrums and sibling squabbles, I had to somehow learn to self motivate at the grocery store and Children's museums and outings had to be researched. I had to learn all of this, and more, without a Space of my own. My office was gone. There was no PC with cute wall hangings to remind me of the good life. There were no morning breaks with co-workers. There was no afternoon commute time to gather up my bravery, while zoning out to NPR.
But at the same time, I discovered Time. Time to clean the sheets, make the dinner, clean the house, create the fun crafts, time to play at the parks, to take the walks (...write the blog) and time to enjoy the small pleasures of coffee with a two year old. These were amazing years. Yes I was bone tired, non-showered and alone half the nights with My Love traveling around the world but I knew that this window of time was so brief and I took full advantage of the time afforded.
Three years into my Stay at Home rocky yet peaceful adventure my not so little Bundle of Joy got sick. Doctor visits, hospital stays, long nights, lost time with my Loyal Companion, struggling with the sickness day in and day out as a single parent half of the time became my life. I pushed my emotions down into the depths and carried on -- for her. Having her healthy again was my only thought. And she did get healthy. Last summer was her last bought of sickness. The three of us had a lovely summer together. My Love had also decided not to travel as much and was available for fun times. I was on top of the world. I could conquer anything. It was the best summer of my life.
Without processing any of my feelings and moving forward swiftly, I went on to accept a nanny position, started to gear up my not so little Bundle of Joy for Kindergarten and bought My Loyal Companion a cell phone. Soccer practices began again and swimming lessons and karate kept us busy as well through the Fall season. My Love announced that, because of being home most of the Summer, he would have a pretty hectic travel schedule until the end of the year. But nothing phased me. I could do it all.
In November of 2014 I was offered a temporary full time work from home position with Sound Physicians and I knew it was the right time. Add it to my list. The day after Christmas My Love and not so little Bundle of Joy came home with a puppy. Everything was great, and then it was not. The rug had been pulled out from under me again but this time I never noticed. It had been pulled out from under me and I had been falling for the last two years. I wasn't prepared. I hadn't stopped/rested to contemplate my trajectory I had just kept moving forward.
I started yelling at my kids more, resenting My Love for being gone, trying to hurry up bedtime routines so that I could carve out time for my work, forgetting to make dinners, to do the laundry...I was a mess. Thankfully I caught myself mid fall and decided that I couldn't carry on this way.
My Love and I spoke about less travel, my need for more support. I started to meditate upon my yelling and but in place a few coping strategies. I gave up the nannying position, tried to lower my expectations for the puppy and muddled through work.
Three weeks ago I was offered a full time permanent position with Sound Physicians. I travelled to Tennessee for a week for job training. I took a morning break with co-workers. Back at home I set up a more permanent home office with a few knickknacks (that my children had made me) that remind me of the good life.
The 1st day of school I dropped off my kids and took a long walk with the crazy pup. There was space. There was time. I began to unravel my emotions of the past. I began to look into the future with a new perspective. The rug had been put back in place, at least for now.
If someone were to ask me what I have learned from this crazy Stay at Home Mom adventure I would have to say that I've learned to live (sometimes not very gracefully) within the falling. The rug only stays put for a little bit of time. Mostly we are always falling. Falling into, or out of something.
I am learning now that it is actually okay to allow myself to fall apart and that I shouldn't try to stop the falling.
Learning how to relax into the falling (now that's the hard one), allowing room for all the different emotions within the falling helps with the coming together again -- the healing.
"When things fall apart and we're on the verge of we know not what,
the test for each of us is to stay on the brink and not concretize...
From this point of view, the only time we ever know what's really going on is
when the rug's been pulled out and we can't find anywhere to land....
Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing.
We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem,
but the truth is that things don't really get solved.
They come together and fall apart again.
It's just like that. The healing comes from letting
there be room for all of this to happen;
room for grief, for relief, for misery for joy."
--When Things Fall Apart, by Pema Chodron.
--Thank you for accompanying me on my Stay at Home Mom journey. I wouldn't trade any of my falls for anything. The healing has begun.