Weeds

It has been one of my only constants. Weeds always grow back. There is always work to be done. Long grass around the gardens, dandelions, prickles, dirty clothes, dishes, toys, dusty floors, jackets in need of hanging, shoes collected by the front door, an overgrown junk drawer. You get the idea. My life seems to be bursting at the seams with weeds.

While working full time it was easier to make excuses for the weeds in my home life. When my 6 year old was only 6 months old I talked my husband into hiring a cleaning service and a yard service. This went on for a couple of years. I would breathe a sigh of relief on yard days. My yard sparkled with tidiness. On house cleaning days I would come home from work and breathe in the fresh smell of furniture polish and bleach. It was lovely. All rooms clean at the same time. Hanging jackets and putting away shoes was a fun sport. I had nothing else to weed out. While working full time my Love would always take some early morning time and empty and load our dishwasher. More often than not, he would also cook dinner. We took turns with the laundry. The junk drawers didn't bother me. I was never at home with time to watch them morph into a deep dark abyss.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't lazy. I had plenty of weeds at the office that needed tending too. Everyday the same weeds would grow back. A nasty physician interaction, a database that didn't want to work, an explanation given time and time again, filing, meetings to attend. This work though was somehow more enjoyable. It didn't seem tedious. Plus I got paid every two weeks for my spectacular gardening skills.

Now home full time I wonder what made me such a fabulous gardener outside the these four walls. Was it simply the pay? Why have I not been able to find my stride here in this new job? It has been 7 months and I am still struggling with the weeds, and for that matter, the plants.

I have come to the conclusion that I love an audience. I do my best work when I am on stage (at the office). The compliments rush over me and I find myself weeding entire days worth in a couple of hours. There is no audience at home and I have found myself moving slower, putting off and giving in. I also discovered that I had a great deal of pride in my work at the office. It was a reflection of myself. I wanted it done nicely, correctly, expeditiously and systematically. My pride came from the continuous confirmation from others that I was doing an awesome job. It didn't matter to me that the weeds grew back. I enjoyed cleaning it all up again and again.

I am looking for that same pride now. As I wash down my kitchen counter tops for the 5th time today I try to  muster pride. As I vacuum and dust, clean out the toaster oven, discipline kids, pick up toys, do the laundry, and clean out the junk drawers I try to summon pride. As I clean out the garden beds, prune back overgrown plants and learn how to mow the grass I rally my pride. Without an audience to give wittiness to this work I find that my pride has sometimes hidden itself very well. It discourages me when the weeds grow back. I feel like a gardener with no garden tools, no gloves and no boots.

Today I decided that it was okay that my pride refused to shine. Today I decided it was okay that nobody noticed my work. Today I decided to JUST DO IT. And to keep on doing again and again for the sake of doing. I realized that there are going to be times in my life when pride in my work does not come easily. This is okay. I will continue to work hard for the sake of working hard. I discovered today that my work ethic, my sheer grit to get the job done, runs deeper than my sense of pride or my want of an audience.

Knowing that I am a hard worker no matter the job causes my pride to peek out from under the bed (just a little bit). Give me some time. I will get there.