Confidently Existing

For the past two years trees have been screaming at me during the day and whispering to me in the shadows of my dreams and it is time I take heed. These trees are confident. Confident in their roots, confident in their place, confident in their upward growth, their budding strength and confident in their steadfastness.

As a stay at home mother I constantly feel grounded with little room for adventure or personal gain. My kids, my routine, my chores and my responsibilities keep me stuck within strict confines and I sometimes wonder where the adventure is hiding. Trees also have no choice and grow where they are planted with no thoughts of travel or adventure. The rain cries, the sun sparkles and the wind dances, but the tree stands tall and grows deep. This uninhibited growth while being grounded is bewitching. I forget that, like a tree, I also have this choice to grow tall and deep. I can be the deep roots that my family clings to and I can grow tall strong branches, allowing my family to climb higher and higher.  I yearn to grow deep and tall. To have a broad structure and to have depth. As a tree, this growth happens reflexively without thought, it is the job of a tree to grow deep and tall. The tree doesn't try to grow feet. The tree doesn't try to fly.

Trees seem to also be nature's gladiator, instinctively fighting to keep a foothold in the most extreme conditions.  I forget that I too can and have to fight. Meltdowns, disobedience and moody behavior from my children can overwhelmingly bury my feelings and I give up. I have to persevere however and keep the foothold of communication open and positive. I have to fight to hold onto my loving feelings at times and push through the haziness of child indifference in order to continually strengthen our bonds. Trees however don't have to think about their strength. Being a strong fighter is in their nature. This organic strength is beautiful.


A tree's predisposition for longevity also allows it to bear witness to terrible events to hard to contemplate and events so wondrous they leave one speechless. I have been witness to terrible things; my daughter being born without a breath, a son living with sensitivities and anxieties which at times can test my core being and arguments between My Love not worth remembering. But I have also lived through wondrous happenings; the uninhibited laughing between two siblings, My Love's passion for and fulfillment of his dreams and my re-commitment to our family are only a few. I endure through the pain and through the elation. Sometimes I do not want to endure. I don't want to show up for life. I want to be left alone. Every day I have to decide to endure, I have to re-commit to the race. A tree's endurance and longevity however are spontaneous. This reflexive endurance is courageous.

As 2013 draws to a close I find myself meditating on these three attributes; growth, strength and endurance. I stand in awe of the surrounding trees, waving down at me, reminding me to grow deep and tall, to find the strength to fight hard and to endure no matter the circumstance.

Up until now, what I have found so profound and puzzling however is the simplicity and relaxedness at which the tree performs these bewitching, beautiful and courageous acts.

At the end of 2012 I made and have kept many New Year's resolutions. I sacrificed coffee and alcohol, started routinely working out, kept a gratitude journal and concentrated on having a heart of giving. I worked hard to keep these resolutions and am still working hard today. Thankfully and ultimately however I am not satisfied. Tonight I yearn for more. I am ready to stop laboring, working so hard to live within my goals. I am ready to start breathing. Breathing in and out the confidence that I have worked so hard to attain. Having ultimate confidence in my growth, my strength and my longevity will allow me to live a more reflexive, organic life.

For the past two years trees have been screaming at me during the day and whispering to me in the shadows of my dreams and it is time I take heed. These trees are confident. Confident in their roots, confident in their place, confident in their upward growth, their budding strength and confident in their steadfastness. There is magic and excitement in the realization of a quest not yet taken.

For 2014 I will treasure and hold tight to my confidence in order that I may continue to grow organically, have the strength to fight uninhibitedly and endure spontaneously.  What a bewitching, beautiful, courageous life -- just like the trees.