Three options. My soul always says, "carry on." My body shouts, "go down." My personality thinks it might be fun (quirky) to try living half way up. Living half way up does have its advantages I think. I feel my body melt further into the ground. Seconds may go by, days, years before I discover the unhappiness that comes from living half way up. My aversion to progress, up or down the mountain, starts to affect my thoughts, behaviour, feelings and physical well-being. It is no longer fun to live half way up. Decision time.
What will it be? Some times I choose to descend. My past chose the wrong mountain for my future. On October 8, 2010 I sat in front of my computer ready to pen my resignation notice to MultiCare Health System. My working family for the past 15 years. MultiCare had given me a job at 18 years of age as a records clerk, had always supported my decision to transfer within the company (many times), and had thought it a good idea to decrease my hours so that I could go back to college. It allowed me to meet hundreds of people that eventually became close friends. It gave me direction, taught be to be a team player and leader and how to find the determination it costs to get the job done (the right way). MultiCare watched me date, get married, buy a house and eventually have kids. Everyday I put in the grit at work and put in just as much bravery at home.
My love and I struggled and scrambled up our mountain; having two incomes, a house and children to support. It was not easy. Fifteen years later I decided to sit down and ponder my mountain. There were two sets of meetings to juggle, two sets of working hours to adjust for, two separate kid's schedules with very specific needs to haggle over, my Love's overseas travel schedule (which could leave me single for 10 - 14 days at a time), there was sickness, time off work, miscommunication, money, food to prepare, tired children, work to do at home, further education for both my Love and me, a nanny to employ, daycare to pay for, work-out schedules to keep -- not to mention the laundry, dishes and house maintenance that had to be accomplished. Did I want to carry on? I lived half way up for about three months.
On October 8, 2010 this is what I wrote:
"As you know, my husband and I have been re-examining our financial situation over the last couple of months. Also, this last month _______ began kindergarten and we put ______ in daycare. Both of these transitions have been hard on our family. Eric's non-profit has been doing fantastic. In his Executive Director role he has been and will be taking on much more responsibility, will be increasing his daytime work hours, and traveling out of country much more. This has already been a hardship for us with our present situation of sharing the child/home duties. As you recall I came to you a few months ago and asked if there was any way I could work part time so that I could be more of a support for my family. At that time there was not an opportunity to decrease my FTE. I have spent this last couple of months thinking over my options and weighing all aspects of my life. I finally came to the conclusion that being responsible and supportive to and for my family is one of the most important values in my life. My children and my husband deserve this."On November 5, 2010 I started my journey down. On November 6, 2010 I started my journey up a new mountain. I have to be honest, this new mountain has many more pitfalls, unexpected terrain and crazy hurricanes. I am a long way off from half way up. I find though that sitting down more often to contemplate my upward movement is a gift worth giving myself. Don't wait until you are half way up your mountain to sit and relax. Take time every day to evaluate your mountain climb and ask yourself if it is worth it. Take time to map out your quest so that you don't find yourself at an impass. And don't forget that descending is just as prestigious as making the ascent. It is the living half way up that will kill you.
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