The Trouble with Parenting

Ever make a decision and then have to re-visit it fifty or so times to re-assess, re-direct or re-examine? It is enough to drive me crazy. I like clear cut options with clear cut directions that if followed correctly end with satisfied feelings.

This so called parenting thing doesn't work like that though. I am dealing with a dynamic impermanence that I have never before witnessed. Little beings that, by the time they take their first breath, are changing, rapidly, in a constant flux, transforming quicker than time can count.

We want the best for them. From the beginning we strive to protect, nurture, heal, encourage, support, train and keep them alive. All of the parenting choices we make - split second, thought out, strategic, in the moment and subconscious should help end the indecision. But no matter what, each parenting choice leads to more choices, more re-examining, more wondering if we did the right thing. It is like those Chose Your Own Adventure books. So many endings. So many possibilities. So many rewinds.

I get asked quite a lot by parents for sage parenting advice, tips or just pieces of kid humor. I look blankly back at the questioner/inquirer. "Your guess is as good as mine, and probably better", I say. I honestly do not know what the answer is.

There are so many questions. How should you help them fall/stay asleep, how big should I cut the pieces of food, will they choke, which school should I chose for preschool, my kid has his/her hand down her/his pants - what now, potty accidents, vitamins, elementary school teacher problems, ailments, friend choices, tantrums, intellect, sports, independence...the list goes on forever. It never stops. To make matters worse, there is NO right answer.

Don't get me wrong, I have found the right answer to these dilemmas, but then I am forced to re-evaluate the answer again and again. As my child changes, a new answer (to the same problem)presents itself. This new answer could come moments after making the decision or it could come weeks later, but it always shows itself - teasing me, taunting me, ruining my ability to wash my hands of the problem.

This re-evaluation used to make me crazy. I wanted it to be clean. Ordered. Sequential. The trouble with parenting is that it is not clean and we are never done. Lately I have been trying to embody this uncleanliness. Live within the transformation of my kids.

We used to call my older one the "Spiller." If there was a glass full of liquid on the table he would knock it over somehow. He didn't even have to be close to it. Looking back I cant remember the last time he knocked something over. Now my not-so-little bundle of joy has taken on this name. Spills abound. I remember reading somewhere that this spilling problem comes from the fact that between the age of 3 - 5 kids cannot access correctly where their hand ends. They are growing too fast and therefore when they go to grab their juice, cannot help but spill it. Imagine this for a moment. The child does not even have time to calculate his/her growth. The growth is so fast they cannot even keep up with their own body.

Living with my children's growth means not always having an answer or being okay that a new answer might present itself within a matter of minutes or days. My decisions as a parent can never be final. I am learning to live within the transformation, no mans land.  This is the trouble with parenting - all is in flux.