Caravanning to the airport, My Love absent mindedly asked me when he would "show up" in my blog posts. My heart melted a bit but my brain noddled on the question and wondered what the answer might be. The leftovers hugged and kissed Daddy a few hundred times as he jumped out of the car, luggage in hand, boarding pass in pocket and as I drove away from the airport I unknowingly chanted, 14 days. 14 days. 14 days.
My Love had promised not to travel this summer. And he held true to his promise. The cracks in our marriage were beginning to become a nuisance and we both thought it would be better if he were home more. Now, well into Fall and two long trips under his belt I begin to wonder what impact it had. We did have a few date nights and My Love was also able to take some long weekends with our family but my agitation with his absence still loomed large. He of course had to work to provide but I had warped my brain into yoga-posed thoughts as to why he couldn't take more (and more) time off.
Recently he asked me to go to New York with him and I should have jumped at the possibility. Alone time with My Love. But alas I have a hard time with commitment. The problem being, I am too committed.
I accepted a full time, around the clock, job four years ago and ever since I have been committed to seeing it through -far exceeds exceptions type of commitment. I committed to the Littles. That was the priority. We both thought it would be best. See them through the Toddler Years. Support their successfullness in Grade School. Be there. For them. And I did it. I did it to the best of my ability, with all the grace and anger you can imagine. As My Love ventures off to New York in December I will support our Littles with school schedules, sports, playdates, school projects, sicknesses and anything and everything else that seems to come my way. No matter the cost.
My agitation is piled up miles high and my committed resources are expended. No Matter The Cost has become too much. I have decided it is Time to climb down from my high horse, walk away from my 150% commitment to our Littles, and it is Time to get a job. My first day of work, outside of the home, is November 14, 2014.
It is Time to allow My Love the choice to commit to his Littles and to me.
And he did. He chose us. My Love decided to fly home one day early from his 14 day overseas trip to allow me to attend an all day training session with my new company.
I realize now that he has been choosing us all along. My Love chose to work hard for his family. He provided for his family, on his own, for four long years. As my agitation and commitment levels rose he also rose to the occasion and fed us, clothed us, kept us warm, provided what little funds he could for extracurricular activities and always tried his best to show up.
I am ready to share My Love's load. He has always been ready to share mine. I am ready for him to show up.
Stay tuned.