Crossroads, lives unlived.

Childhood and Dreams by LOUI JOVER

The last few days of school are lazily waving goodbye to us. We are in countdown mode but as the "zero number of school days left" appears closer and closer the days drag by slower and slower. We are wrapping things up around here; last tests have been taken, desk clean out parties were given, silly yearbook messages have been written, teacher gifts purchased and summer plans have been organized. Like the child who keeps asking for just one more kiss before you run out the door, now we wait while the school year takes it's time to say its sweet goodbyes. 

We are at the crossroads of Future and Past. The Before and the After. The First Day of School photo mirrored with the Last Day of School photo, the schoolwork compilations used to show off one's progress, the clothes that don't seem to fit anymore and the scruffy lunchbox that may only hold together one more day, all point to the fact that one more year has passed us by. So much has happened. So much to look forward too.

But as the school year's long goodbye eases me into Summertime I am reminded of all the children who did not make it to this junction. These children's parents will never have the Last Day of School photo to pair with their first; these children's lunchboxes were never broken in, new clothes were never purchased, next trimester's grades were never published and desk clean out parties were never attended. There will never be another summer to look forward to for these children.

When a gunman opened fire and killed 20 first graders and six adults with an assault rifle at Sandy Hook Elementary School in December of 2012 I was waiting outside my son's school, mesmerized by the snow in our foothills, looking forward to spending Christmas holiday with my family. We were in countdown mode. Since then, there have been at least 239 school shootings nationwide. In those episodes, 428 people were shot, 138 of who were killed (New York Times, February 2018). 

I will most likely Instagram my children and put a lovely filter on their Last Day of School photo. My have they grown! I will keep you up to date on our Summertime fun and will entice you with our Back to School photos in the fall. We will purchase new school clothes and they will begrudgingly get a Back to School haircut. And we will be off again, looking ever forward towards the next summer crossroad. 

And it should be like this. We should allow for these crossroad traditions. What we cannot do however is overlook the children who were not able to arrive at the crossroads with our children. We must never forget the unlived lives that continue to be taken from us. We must decide what we can do now to stop this slow tragedy from playing out again next year in our schools. 

The horrific violence at a  highschool in Parkland, Florida was, sadly, the 11th school shooting of 2018. In the days that followed, there were three more school shootings in Louisiana, Ohio and again in Florida. Never forgetting means recommending and advocating that your school do a better job of helping troubled youth, of stopping bullying and making sure they are habitually using threat assessment to evaluate students who threaten violence. As well, you and your child can play a direct role in preventing school shootings by reporting any and all troubling behavior when you see it. We need to talk seriously with our children about these incidents. These unlived lives are their peers, we cannot continue to ignore them.

In March of this year, just a few months into my Substitute Teaching jig I lined up my rambunctious first graders. The end of day bell was seconds away from ringing. I gave each darling first grader a a high five and we took turns saying our silly goodbyes. As I watched them walk out my classroom and down the hall an alarm sounded. A lockdown was announced over the loud speaker. It was not a drill. There were no other details. Me and a few other teachers that were left in the hallway tried to round up the straggling kids. There was not enough time. Many kids were already too far down the hallway, and I had to quickly close and lock my classroom door, pull the blinds and wait quietly. 

Fear seeped into my pores. I texted my family, remembering to turn the sound off on my phone. "Don't want to scare you but school just called a lockdown as bell was ringing. I am in classroom by myself. Phone is off so you can text me but please do not call me as I wont be able to talk." Fear sat with me in a corner of the classroom for 25 minutes. The lockdown was finally cleared and I got up completely dazed. Details stated to emerge. The threat had been diffused. 

Driving home that day I wept for all the children who have not lived through a lockdown. For all the children who went to school one day, dreaming of summer, and never walked out. 

I am standing at the crossroads with my children. We have 5 more days left until Summer. I am so proud of all they have accomplished. And yet, we will also be holding in our hearts those children that were not able to arrive here with us. The unlived lives. You are not forgotten. 

Here Again

I’m back. Last day of work today! Starting a new Adventure in Education! More to come!

The Demon

there is a Demon behind her door
waiting
screaming
lying
Emotions dredge her along the bottom
small breaths of love
fights back
will to live
confusion bubbles up
a search for a Constant
found
primordial slaying
the Battle won

My Visits With Silence

These days I hear the Silence more and more and I catch a whiff of my children. I remember this Silence. I was lucky if I would get a few seconds of it, maybe a minute while sitting at the park, gazing up at the clouds, walking with the stroller, watching the spring birds out my window or the moment before my baby would wake and I would wake first. This Silence held within it the weight of my love. My intentions. My authenticity. 

Silence would spring upon me and  I would lean into it, hold it tight until it was wrenched away from my white knuckles. I swear I could feel the tilt of the universe within that Silence. And then it was gone. Haphazardly skipping away from me, out of my reach. 

These days though Silence sits with me a while. It brings a book with it and snuggles up close. And I am reminded of my children. 

The Noise of childhood is constant; the toys being dumped out of baskets, the spinning laundry machine, the clanking of dishes into the dishwasher too early in the morning, the incessant laughing of a toddler, the questions of a six year old, the crying, the pretending, the TV watching and the fort building. I was constantly being roped into my children's world. I lived within the Noise for years. There was simply no time for Silence to visit. No time to daydream.

Every passing year though Silence would come visit me more and more. Instead of staying for a moment sometimes I was lucky enough to get a few moments. Silence had a way of creeping back in and before I knew it my children had grown into independent beings. These days they are more apt to run around the neighborhood with their gang of friends than want to sit with me and play. 

Today my 6th grade Loyal Companion barged through the door after skipping off the bus. The door slams. I know his visit here won't last long. He grabs a snack and I hang on to the Noise. I lean into the Noise. We laugh about a few odd things that happened during his day. He grabs his wallet while texting his gang and then as quickly as he came he is gone, out the door until dinner. Haphazardly skipping away. Silence enters.

The visits from Silence still tilt my universe. I have so much to contemplate. My dreams, my intentions and my authenticity wrap together constantly molding me into something different.  When Noise does return I find myself smiling, feeling within it the tilt of my future and I hang on until my knuckles turn white. 

But the Noise leaves too soon so Silence and I cuddle up again, canonizing Noise in all its greatness.

Years Gone By

Spinning toys

Climbing trees

Making pancakes

Hanging upside down

Swinging high

Running.

Reaching high

Crafting with tape

Singing loud

Dancing.

Sliding down slides 

Chasing flies

Jumping to reach

Loving on plushies

Remembering

How my Littles used to be.

Mindfullness: the art of now

Easy re-living
With Clarendon Instagram filter.
Pretty ribbons that re-cast history
Make happy endings.
The fake-ness has undone me.
Breathing deep I count to 10
And search for an alternate pathway.
Yet honesty rears its head
And I cower under the covers,
Waiting for it to pass,
Waiting to re-write the moment.
Easy living.